Stamon Talks
by Rogue Assasin
Summary: A talk show hosted by Damon and Stefan the idea alone spells disaster. I don't own any characters or guests they are purely the work of other people.
1. Twilight

_A/N: This is a crack fic characters are ooc I don't own any of the characters or their guests_

Part 1 – Stamon Talks Twilight

Rogue: Hello everyone and welcome to the Stamon Talks show.

Damon: What kind of fucked up name is that!

Stefan: I concur

Rogue: Come on guys if the 2 of you fused you would be the perfect man for Elena and we could call you Stamon.

Stefan: You stay away from Elena!

Rogue: Relax I won't do anything to your precious Elena… yet *Evil laugh*

Damon: I could kill her now as a precaution *wakes up from seat*

Rogue: Sit your ass down you walking STD we have to welcome our first guests!

*Curtains open – Stefan screams*

Stefan: No fucking way am I going to be in the same room as him!

Damon: We can drain the bitch and save the future!

Rogue: Let's welcome Edward and Bella *Smirks evilly*

Bella: Edward I don't feel safe

Damon: I can feel my brain cells dying in her presence…

Stefan: You look nothing like me! *Growls at Edward*

Rogue: Stefan you and your sparkly twin settle down we have a talk show to do!

Damon: Bella why are you so dumb?

Bella: I am not dumb people are jealous of me cause I got Edward!

Stefan: You cheated on him

Bella: He forgave me

Damon: Because he's a pussy real men don't run back to their cheating women they leave the bitch behind.

Rogue: Might I remind you Damon in the last book Stefan dropped Elena's cheating ass and she decided to start something with you…

Stefan: Wait a minute I leave her?

Bella: Isn't this interview supposed to be about me!

Rogue: *Ignoring Bella* Yeah which makes you better than Damon, Damon we didn't know you went for sloppy seconds…

Damon: Now I'm pissed *Punches a hole through the wall*

Rogue: That is coming out your salary!

Damon: You don't pay us a salary!

Stefan: She isn't paying us? Why are we here?

Damon: Ahem *Reads from book* Damon slowly undid Stefan's Boxers while straddling his-

Stefan: *Throws up in bucket* I don't want to know….

Edward: You 2 got blackmailed by an insane perverted fan girl and you think I'm the bad one

Rogue: Shall I write one about you and Jacob Eddie boy?

Edward: Its Edward and NO… *whispers* yes

Stefan: You are one sick puppy there is no way he looks anything like me!

Damon: You have the same hideous eye brows

Bella: Stop ignoring me!

Edward: Stop upsetting my Bella

Stefan: Bella why do you love Edward?

Bella: I love him because he is handsome and he sparkles and he's smart and loving and

Damon: He's a 100 year old virgin!

Rogue: Loving you say please expand on this

Bella: He watches me sleep

Damon: Stalker

Bella: He takes care of everything for me so I don't have to lift a finger

Damon: Obsessive possessive and she's unable to think for herself

Edward: How dare you say such things!

Stefan: Let's see, you left and she became comatose for months and displayed suicidal tendencies after people tried helping her.

Edward: That's because we can't live without each other!

Damon: Co dependent

Katherine: It's time for our surprise guest!

Damon: WTF is she doing here!

Rogue: Oh she wants that hot and heavy fic about the 2 off you published

Stefan and Damon: Bitch

Katherine: Thank you! Our special guest is…. Jacob Black!

Bella: Jake

Edward: Why is he here?

Damon: Don't act like it doesn't excite you sparkles

Edward: *Growls*

Jacob: I have a confession..

Stefan: Yes we know you love Bella and imprinted on her stupid spawn what else could you possibly have to say?

Jacob: Bella you're my best friend and I really love you but… I've been lying to you…

Katherine: *Offers popcorn bowl to Rogue*

Damon: When did you become nice?

Katherine: When I fucked your mom

Damon: That's low…

Jacob: I didn't imprint on Nessie… I imprinted on Edward… we've been having an affair…

Damon&Stefan: *Throw up*

Bella: *Gasps* since when?

Edward: Book one… but I Love you Bella and you will stay with me as the last movie says… Forever

Jacob: I don't want to share you anymore Edward you have to pick one! Bella or me!

Bella: Edward we have a child together

Jacob: I'm pregnant

Rogue: *Chokes on popcorn* How the fuck is that possible!

Katherine: Beats me this is all in your sick mind

Damon: Someone save me from this sicko *points at Rogue*

Stefan: We're doomed

Bella: You killed James and Victoria for me and You went against the Volturi for me!

Jacob: I got my pack to help you fight the new borns and I Stood with you against the volturi and for the record Bella we were protecting everyone from them not just you

Bella: We were together for longer

Jacob: I was with Edward while you were playing the walking dead for half a year!

Bella: You were in love with me!

Jacob: I was using you to be close to my Eddiekins! *Jacob grabs Edward and makes out with him*

Bella: *Grabs Edward and makes out with him*

Edward: *Moves to grab Jacob but grabs Stefan instead and makes out with him*

Stefan: YOU BASTARD! *Kicks Edward in the head*

Bella: *Bite's Stefan's leg*

Jacob: *Turns into a wolf and pees on Bella's head*

Damon: * Moves his chair behind me and Katherine* I don't want any part in that!

Katherine: Too bad *Throws Damon into the Chaos, Damon gets punched when Stefan tries to hit Edward*

Rogue: I say we call it a day

Katherine: Thank you for being a part of the Stamon Talks please come again be sure to hit the review button on your way out

Jacob: Edward is mine!

Bella: I saw him first

Rogue: I still don't get how Jacob is pregnant

Damon: It's probably a wolf thing *Pulls Stefan out*

Stefan: Bleach give me BLEACH my mouth needs to be sanitized!

Carlisle: Calm yourselves my children… you all belong to me! *Kisses Edward* you are all my sparkly sex toys and Jacob is my fluffy sex toy.

Rogue: Mmmmm Carlisle and Jacob….

Katherine: Next week on Stamon Talks we will be having Eric Northman and Alcide Hervaux If you have any questions please send them through!

Damon: Good night

Stefan: Aargh I can still taste the bastard Damon is my tongue sparkly

Katherine: God Bless

Rogue: How the fuck did you tongue get involved

Stefan: I was orally raped

Damon: *Shakes head* Good Bye please save us from this torture…. Someone contact the character abuse society!


	2. TrueBlood

Part 2 – Stamon Talks TrueBlood

Rogue: Welcome to the Stamon Talks!

Damon: Kill me now

Stefan: Then I can have Elena all to myself

Katherine: Just post the FIC!

Rogue: We have Eric Northman and yummy wolf guy *drools*

Alcide: It's Alcide Herveux

Damon: Don't really care

Stefan: What is this molest the guest

Rogue: Take off your shirts

Katherine: Don't she might die

Katherine: Now Alcide who should Sookie be with?

Alcide: That's easy she should be with me because I can give her babies.

Eric: Yes crying, snot nosed little brats that will deprive her off sleep and drool and pee and poop on her, you are so loving Alcide…

Alcide: Shut your mouth you fanger!

Damon: Why is sparkle face still looming

Edward: I lost Bella *broods*

Eric: Are the 2 of you twins? How is it that one of you sparkles?

Katherine: The sparkly one is a drag queen!

Stefan: Don't insult the drag queens! And we are not twins! *Throws chair at me* You started this!

Damon: Well Helllo Stefcilla Queen of the Dessert.

Rogue: Back to hunky and handsome

Stefan: What's the difference?

Rogue: *Points to Alcide* Hunky *Points to Eric* Handsome

Edward: Oh please I am waaay better than those Twilight wannabe's!

Katherine: Says the hundred year old virgin

Edward: I was waiting for the right woman

Katherine: Yes you're a hundred years older that your wife not only are you a pedophile, stalker, pansy but you're also delusional – Get off our show!

Edward: What you going to do? Sunshine and stake don't work on me!

Katherine: I'll shove this stake up your shiny sparkly ass! *Runs after Edward*

Damon: Now for our surprise guest!

Eric: Do we call you Bill or Billith now?

Bill/Billith: *Roars*

Alcide: That's probably all we'll hear from him / her … is it male or female I don't know anymore

Eric: let's call it shim

Katherine: That isn't much of a surprize guest… I'll show you a surprize

*Sookie walks out*

Sookie: I have a confession… I wasn't born Sookie… I was born Stanley…

Alcide: *Throws up*

Eric: *Bored* Never really cared your blood just tastes nice

Billith: *Roars again* I'm pregnant!

Rogue: *sigh* Another one brain WTF is wrong with you….

Rogue's Brain: *Out on lunch*

Eric: Well amuse us… Who's the father?

Sookie: I am… of one of them

Alcide: I can't believe I nearly screwed you! Wait one of them

Bill/Billith: I'm having twins

Stefan: Who is the father of the second one?

Bill/Billith: I am….

Damon: O_o that takes the phrase 'Go fuck yourself' to a different level…

Stefan: *Bangs his head against the wall* Why did I even ask! Save us.

Katherine: *Reads from book* Please be gentle Damon… It's my first time… I lov-

Stefan: *tries to strangle Katherine*

Katherine: *Tosses Stefan through the wall*

Rogue: YOU ARE SO PAYING FOR THAT WALL STEFAN!

Damon: You're back… you catch him?

Katherine: That's one greasy bastard he just slips out of my grasp

Rogue: Probably all that KY he and Jacob use

Damon: *Throws up*

Edward: You got your ass handed to you by a girl.

Rogue: *Flame thrower in hand* Die bitchpire! *Sets Edward alight.

Eric: That was interesting…

Bill/Billith: Look at me!

Alcide: I'm going to hurl again

Damon: I need a drink

Stefan: This is abuse!

Katherine: Can we keep one of them? These 2 bore me, how about Eric?

Damon: I'd like to keep my dark cherry thank you

Rogue: Alcide?

Stefan: He smells like dog.

Katherine: Well back to the show. Eric you now have a grand vampire how does that feel?

Eric: I am glad Pam finally has a partner and a childe. Now I can concentrate on my sister.

Alcide: Why the fuck are you so incestuous!

Damon: I would never *looks at Stefan – throws up*

Stefan: We kinda already did… Katherine made us and we both bonked her….

Alcide: So you like being tag teamed then.

Katherine: I never did them together… now that you mention it I could have compelled them to do so when they were human… heck I could have compelled them to do each other… Damnit!

Rogue: It's not too late we can get an original to compel then… *Nose bleeds* yay for Yaoi!

Katherine: I don't want those original bastards near me!

Sookie: *Drags on a cigarette* So you seeing anyone?

Katherine: Who me?

Sookie: There's something about you that makes me want to *Whispers in Katherine's ear*

Katherine: I'm taking off I've got a date. *Leaves with Sookie*

Eric: Well that progressed fast… Hey Damon wanna *Whispers in Damon's ear*

Damon: Fuck you! *Tries to punch Eric trips and falls on his face and Eric appears behind him* Now this is what I like face down ass up.

Stefan: *Throws silver on Eric* Leave my brother alone! You can have Edward.

Alicide: *Looks at burnt remains* Not much here…. Are his ashes sparkling?

Rogue: Who cares… Eric my bed naked now…

Eric: Can I bring Alcide?

Rogue and Eric: Why?

Eric: So I can show him I'm better than him

Alcide: Oh yeah, bring it. *Throws Rogue over shoulder*

Rogue: Help someone help! I'm about to be fucked to death!

Damon: Serves you right you little freak! *Gets picked up*

Eric: I didn't forget about you my little Damon…

Stefan: Oh well at least I'm safe… Good night, God Bless Good Bye

Carlisle: Hello Stefan…

Stefan: On second thought… *Runs* I don't want to be all sparkly!

Pre recording:

Katherine: Next week on Stamon Talks

Rick: *Smashing Zombies*

Daryl: *Feeding baby*

Rogue: We talk to The Walking Dead – bring your zombie killing weapons everyone!

Thanks to rockstardiva1 for the review.


	3. WalkingDead

**Part 3 – The Walking Dead**

Rogue: Hello and Welcome to Stamon Talks.

Katherine: Our guests today have been dealing with another kind of undead.

Edward: We welcome Rick, Daryl, and Maggie.

Stefan: *Hits Edward with a baseball bat* GTFO it's my show!

Rogue: Oh now it's your show *Rolls eyes*

Rick: *Watches Stefan beating Edward* Is he a walker?

Damon: No he's a wanker… *Looks at Maggie* Rose! You're alive!

Daryl: *Points crossbow at Damon* Stay back… whatever you are

Katherine: I can't see what you saw in her…

Damon: She wasn't a motherless whore like you

Rick: *Edward flies into Rick and they go through the wall*

Rogue: STEFAN! I want that wall fixed!

Katherine: *kicks Edward out the building* Oh look a flying bitchpire

Rogue: There aren't any walkers here I guarantee it. Now back to the show Daryl you are the yummiest redneck I know…

Damon: Do you have to eye rape every male guest that comes on?

Rogue: Just the manly one's

Rick: Are you saying I'm not a man!

Katherine: We're saying you're nuts now shut up we want to talk to the pretty red neck.

Daryl: I ain't pretty!

Rogue: Yes yes you're a manly man, mind taking off your shirt and posing with your bow? *Rogue drools*

Damon: Seriously don't… she's a monster… Rose what are you doing with those guys?

Maggie: You must be mistaken… my name is Maggie and I have a boyfriend.

Damon: NO your name is Rose and you're my fuck buddy.

Katherine: Take your drama elsewhere… now back to Daryl *Katherine rips off his shirt*

Daryl: Rick I don't feel safe anymore… I think the walkers are safer than these guys…

Stefan: *Rolling eyes* You have no idea…

Daryl: I feel like a piece of meat…

Katherine: A very tasty looking piece of meat…

Rogue: He isn't for eating… well not in the blood sucking way…

Maggie: Let go off me

Damon: No, you're Rose

Daryl: *Screaming in some part of the building* Stop that! No not there! Help!

Rogue: *Screaming* Katherine stop hogging the fun!

Stefan: Why did you dig graves if you had no bodies to put in them… it seems pretty pointless… did you dig the hole to cover it again. We know Lori and the other dude got eaten and Carol is alive!

Rick: Because… Maggie you answer this one

Maggie: Please get this man off me.

Damon: No you are Rose

Stefan: Moving on… what is your baby named?

Rick: How should I know…. Hey Maggie you name the baby?

Maggie: Its your baby you should name it

Rogue: Yeah call it Bob

Katherine: you name everything Bob

Stefan: Guys it's a girl baby

Rogue: So who's the baby daddy?

Rick: ME

Andrea: Actually it's me

Rogue: *Face palm* Again….

Andrea: I also had sex with Lori… so did Shane… even T Dog…

Katherine: You're supposed to come out when I tell you!

Andrea: Pish, I'm screwing the Governor I can do whatever the hell I want to

Rick: This is my baby not yours mine!

Lori: Hello Rick

Rick: Lori… where did you go? *cries*

Lori: I died

Rick: But you're here

Lori: And I've been making phone calls to you from the other side

Rogue: Who is he talking to?

Katherine: Beats me he just started calling the microphone Lori

Andrea: He's losing it

Damon: Where is the redneck

Katherine and Rogue: *Smirk* recovering *grin*

Maggie: will you let go of me now?

Damon: Not until you admit you're Rose

Rick: Did you or did you not have sex with Andrea? How many times? Was she better than Shane?

Katherine: Should we call the white coats for him?

Rogue: we're throwing them back in their fucked up world so no.

Damon: I'm keeping Rose

Maggie: My name is Maggie!

Rogue: *Snaps fingers* and they're gone… much better

Rogue: So what happened with you and Sookie?

Katherine: The same thing that happened to you and Damon with Eric and Alcide

Damon: *Evil voice* Don't remind me!

Stefan: What happened?

Rogue: let's just say it took us weeks to walk on our own again…

Damon: Speak for yourself, I ran and kept running that bastard tried but he never got me

Eric: *Whispers in Damon's ears* Really… that isn't what these pictures say *Throws them to Katherine*

Katherine: Yum *I wanna be in that sandwich*

Stefan: *laughing* you deserve it you bastard that's for taking Elena!*Stabs Damon in the arm*

Damon: Bastard *Kicks Stefan in the balls*

Eric: I have pictures of you and Carlisle too *shows pictures to Stefan… Stefan throws up*

Katherine: I want to be the cream in that oreo…

Edward: Hey guys there are zombie's heading this way

Stefan: You're back *Growls*

Rick: *Runs in with his group* See it's safe here no walkers. *Zombies start walking into the door and walls outside.

Rogue: *Punches Rick in the face* You bastard you had to bring them with you!

Eric: Well we'll just have to kill them all

Rogue: Well people we have Zombies to kill so goodnight

Damon: Stay right here Rose *Handcuffs Maggie to the chair* let's kill things God Bless

Stefan: That sparkly bastard touched me *throws up again*

Katherine: Well once we kill some Zombie's you'll feel better. Goodbye

Rogue: I say we kill Rick when we get back

A/N: Well there it is. There wasn't much I could do with Walking Dead but it's popular so I featured them. I think I'll be doing Supernatural next. For those who are confused as to why Damon is calling Maggie Rose the actress Lauren Cohen played short Roles in both Supernatural (Bella Talbot) and Vampire Diaries (Rose) before becoming Maggie on Walking Dead. I will be introducing other characters as time goes by.

Thanks for reviewing Lizzie


	4. Supernatural

Part 4 – Supernatural

Rogue: Hello and Welcome once again to Stamon Talks

Stefan: I am not sitting in the same room as that girlfriend stealing bastard! *Throws stake at Damon*

Katherine: I was the better choice *files nails*

Damon: I got Elena!

Rogue: Yes congratulations you now have vampire aids… you are so dumb Elena is as annoying as Bella I will destroy them both!

Damon: I will kill you!

Katherine: She's only with you because she feel's obligated you know she's sired and all that *rolls eyes* you're both dumb bring on the guests.

Edward: We have the Winchester brothers!

Rogue: Why is he here … again?

Damon: Stefan wanted to have some sparkling sex with his twin.

Stefan: Fuck You *Jumps Damon*

Dean: Hello *looks at Katherine* Nice legs … what time do they open *grins*

Katherine: Writer *points at Dean* guests are not supposed to make me feel uncomfortable that's my job. *Shifts away from Dean*

Rogue: Who says they're guests… *grins wickedly*

Sam: Stay away from Dean *threatens Katherine with a stake*

Dean: come on Sam don't be a cock block

Sam: You're mine Dean MINE I will destroy Castiel he cannot have you!

Rogue: Interesting so you 2 believe in brotherly love

Sam: We are brothers who love and make love to each other

Stefan&Damon: *Stop fighting, stare wide eyed and vomit*

Katherine: I see so you're hoping Wincest rubs off on them *points at Damon and Stefan who are standing on opposite ends of the room* and they bring your slash to life.

Rogue: *Nosebleeds* YESSSSSSSS

Stefan: I wouldn't fuck him if he were the last person on this planet and there weren't any male goats.

Katherine: So you'd fuck a goat but you wouldn't fuck Damon.

Sam: You're disgusting

Damon: Says the guy who's fucking his own brother!

Dean: Don't knock it until you try it! *holds Sam's hand and licks lips at Katherine*

Katherine: So Sam and Dean how long have the 2 off you been together?

Dean: Since we were born…

Sam: I don't think that's what she means…

Dean: *Makes rape face* I know…

Damon: Writer! I don't want them here! *back against the wall*

Eric: *licks lips* don't worry I'll keep you safe my pretty blue eyed boy.

Damon: Fuck you! Stefan!

Stefan: *Aiming canon at Edward* I'm busy. Die you bastard!

Katherine: So much crazy…

Rogue: We need another woman…

Katherine: No Elena

Rogue: Caroline?

Katherine: No

Rogue: Bonnie?

Katherine: We could try the witch.

Sam: I thought this was an interview…

Dean: I thought it was a strip club *looks at Katherine*

Katherine: In your dreams.

Dean: What if I told you this was a dream?

Katherine: Then I would wake up from this nightmare

Eric: I'm sensing a sexual tension…

Rogue: It's like they're word raping each other.

Sam: Dean is mine!

Stefan: Now that the sparkly bastard is gone tell us Sam how is it you and your brother keep getting sent to hell and purgatory and parallel dimensions.

Dean: I'm trying to figure out that one myself

Damon: Probably has to do with all the demon juice Sam drinks

Katherine: So do you still drink Demon blood.

Sam: NO…. *whispers* when Dean isn't looking…

Dean: *Sits next to Katherine* Wanna drink my super juice….

Katherine: Now for our surprize guest! *Walks away from Dean and drops curtain*

Damon: It's Castiel the most interesting character on the show.

Stefan: You watch their show?

Damon: When I'm not boning Elena *Troll face*

Stefan: Eric

Eric: Yes

Stefan: Rape him! *Points at Damon*

Eric: I've had my fun with him… how about we have some fun… besides I think someone else is interested in him. *Carlisle drools as he watches Damon through binoculars*

Stefan: *You'll never catch me alive! *Runs away*

Eric: You're already dead! *Runs after Stefan*

Castiel: Dean

Dean: Cas

Castiel&Dean: *Start making out and slam each other against the wall*

Katherine: Oooooo Live porn!

Sam: I will end you angel boy! *Sam throws Castiel across the room* That is my Dean!

Dean: So is that a mirror in your pants? I can see myself in them *Dean grins at Katherine*

Katherine: So now you're a cross dresser too… Weren't you just making out with wings over there?

Dean: You can be the burger in our bun and have our super kids

Katherine: I will end you!

Rogue: Watching them do that makes me feel kind off dirty….

Stefan: *Runs by being chased by Eric* It's like verbal fornication

Carlisle: This Dean would make an interesting sparklepire my new favourite son…

Edward: But Daddy I thought I was your favourite

Carlisle: *Rape face* I lied!

Edward: I need a hug

Damon: Go hug Stefan

Carlisle: *Grabs Damon's ass* My precious…

Damon: *Girly scream then disappears with Carlisle*

Stefan: *Stops running* Serves you right you girlfriend fucker! *Gets caught by Eric*

Eric: Got you now!

Stefan: *Faints*

Dean: I wouldn't mind a piece of that action… but first… *Pulls Sam and Castiel apart*

Sam: I will kill you bastard! Stop trying to get between me and Dean

Castiel: I'm pregnant!

Sam: Oh Yeah well I'm pregnant too

Katherine: *Hits me on the head* You're reading too many MPreg Yaio stories

Rogue: Edward… is… he's… he's making out with Elena in the corner!

Damon: *Bursts through the wall half dressed* You bastard!

Stefan: *Crawls back in naked* I will end you Cullen bastard!

Elena: He… He compelled me!

Katherine: No shit though… the sparkly bastards can't compel… you skank

Dean: *Walks towards Elena* So how old are you?

Elena: *blushes and pushes out chest* Old enough *bats eyelashes*

Bonnie: Get over yourself ho *drop kicks Elena*

Katherine: finally someone sane!

Bonnie: I don't really like you but… you're better than Elena.

Dean: how about I screw both of you and decide whose better?

Castiel: *Hits Dean with a frying Pan* How dare you ignore the father of your child

Sam: Yeah! *Caresses his tummy*

Delivery guy: I have something here for Katherine Pierce

Katherine: Oh yes the DNA tests

Sam&Castiel: What DNA tests?

Rogue: The instant one we did at our super instant lab

Katherine: The father of Sam's baby is… Castiel

Bonnie: The Father of Castiel's baby is… Sam

Dean: You cheated on me! The both of you went behind my back! *Looks at Katherine* you can't deny me a pity fuck!

Katherine: Any excuse would do for you

Damon: I knew it!

Bonnie: You got over Elena pretty quick

Damon: Katherine, Elena I've had them both there really isn't much of a difference they're both dead whores.

Stefan: I still love Elena when she's human again she'll be normal

Bonnie: Yes a human whore

Rogue: I thought you were best friends

Bonnie you thought wrong we all hate her

Dean: All of you?

Meredith, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy&Matt: We all do

Elena: You're just jealous!

Rogue: *Rips Elena's head off* No one like you, you're sucking the life out of the show you angsty bitch.

Katherine: About time I was wondering when you were going to do that.

Dean: Can I stay?

Rogue: Yeah sure

Edward: What about me?

Damon: Fuck you and your sparkly dad! *Shoves Edward's head up Carlisle's ass and kicks them out*

Eric: That has got to hurt…

Rogue: I guess it's that time again Good night

Eric: Someone has been a really really bad girl

Damon: I wonder who *Eric and Damon close in on Rogue*

Rogue: What do you mean? Who's been bad? *Nervous laugh*

Katherine: A certain writer who started this corrupt show called Stamon Talks

Stefan: And doesn't update it as regularly as she does her BAMON fic

Bonnie&Damon: We do NOT like each other

Rogue: Just look at that it's explosive supernatural sex waiting to happen!

Damon: Get her!

Rogue: That's all Folks, God Bless Good BYE! Please review AAAAAHHHHHHH *Runs away* Yeah and thanks to justareader13 for reviewing!

Damon: You can't out run us!


	5. Teen Wolf

Damon: Why are we in a forest?

Stefan: This better not be Twilight again

Rogue: Oh come on I wouldn't do Twilight so soon again give me some credit.

Eric: Someone needs to be punished for not updating….

Rogue: It was the festive period I was busy with people I only see once a year.

Damon: *Looking at Stefan* Why can't I see you once a year

Stefan: Because Elena is mine.

Katherine: We're still talking about that whore *Yawns*

Dean: You're late sweetheart were you making yourself pretty for me?

Katherine: Writer! Why is he here

Dean: *Opens up a contract* We signed on just last week *grins*

Damon: What wait whose we?

Sam: Dean me and that bastard brother stealing angel

Katherine: Shall we move on with the show?

Rogue: Today we have Teen Wolf on the show

Damon: Great more hormonal teens

Rogue: Says the guy who jumped into bed with Elena right after she dumped Stefan…

Stefan: You what?

Rogue: Shhhh I hear growling

*3 werewolves emerge from the bushes*

Katherine: Wow they're really ugly compared to our wolves

Eric: I agree

Edward: Our wolves are better than all of your wolves!

Stefan: *Punches Edward in the face*

*Wolves turn human*

Bonnie: *Whistles from behind the wolves* Those are some tight buns!

Derrick: Who are you people and hat are you doing here? Can't you see it's a full moon do you want to die?

Jackson: I forgot to mention these people called to interview us… they're vampires.

Scott: Really Vampires? Show us your fangs

Eric, Damon, Stefan, and Katherine: *Pop out fangs*

Edward: I'm a vampire too I don't have fangs though…

Scott: What kind of vampire doesn't have fangs?

Edward: I sparkle…

Jackson: Wouldn't that make you a fairy?

Edward: I will eat your soul! *Gets hit with a metal bat by Stefan*

Scott: The 2 off you look kind of similar…

Stefan: The next person who even alludes to the above will die!

Damon: They're actually twins we dipped Edward in glitter to tell them apart.

Stefan: That's it *Launches himself at Damon*

Sam: *Sniffles* Doesn't that bring back memories Dean?

Dean: Yeah, Keep at it Salvatores, the best sex starts out that way!

Damon: Fuck NO! *Runs to the other end of the forest next to Bonnie.

Derrick: Boys keeps away from them they're dangerous…

Scott: You ain't the boss of me!

Katherine: Someone's reached that rebellious stage

Derrick: Tell me about it, I'm surrounded by these hormonal kids…

Katherine: Here have this *Takes out flask from her bra* That's how I cope.

Derrick: Does it help?

Katherine: Not anymore *Frowns*

Dean: Are you moving in on my woman?

Derrick: Is that so?

Rogue: Lets move on to the interview section shall we.

Stefan: Scott why date the woman who might one day have to kill you?

Scott: It makes the relationship that more interesting

Damon: Until you're dead!

Sam: Jackson you are one yummy guy

Jackson: I'd really like some clothes right about now

Bonnie: *Passes the guys leaves* that's all we can do.

Sam: Party pooper you're no fun Bonnie

Dean: Anyway Jackson why did you want to become a wolf so badly?

Jackson: Because I can't have that wimpy bastard Scott getting the best of me

Rogue: I concur! I can't stand Scott I watch it for Derrick… so so YUM

Scott: Hey! Why you hating on me!

Rogue: You're too Mary Sue for my liking

Jackson: BURN!

Sam: Do you have a burn somewhere want me to rub your body with some healing balm *Wiggles eyebrows*

Rogue: That is disturbing

Jackson: I think I need a rape whistle…

Eric: Shouldn't Dean step in?

Rogue: He's too busy trying to Tear Katherine in half with Derrick

Damon: How is it she always gets between 2 men?

Rogue: How is it that you and Stefan end up sharing one woman? Maybe it's an excuse for the 2 of you to be together without admitting you want each other

Damon: Someone's getting cheeky

Rogue: Want me to get you raped by Edward?

Damon: You wouldn't

Stefan: DO IT!

Rogue: I'll let Edward have you first

Bonnie: When did you get so mean?

Edward: Now for our surprise guest! It's Stiles

Everyone: *Continues with whatever they're doing*

Stiles: Come on Guys he just announced me as the surprise guest *People still not interested*

Edward: Here * Hands Stiles loudspeaker*

Stiles: *Attention Stiles is in the house*

Derrick and Dean: We're busy

Katherine: Rogue you'd better get your butt here they're really going to tear me in half

Eric: Who is that making that racket?

Damon: Some nerd guy where was I, yes Bonnie those buns are not as tight as mine

Bonnie: Who wants to see your buns!

Damon: You do

Rogue: And they say they aren't into each other….

Stiles: Jackson I'm pregnant!

Everyone: WHAT!

Stiles: I'm kidding however, I did get your girlfriend pregnant… and yours *points at Scott* and yours points at Derrick

Derrick: I don't have a girlfriend *Nervous laugh*

Stiles: Oh Scott… Derrick has been banging your mom!

Scott: What!

Derrick: I think the more important point is he got your mom pregnant

Scott: You bastard!

Edward: I don't think that was very smart….

Stiles: Why *Growling is heard*

Damon: Because you now have 3 very angry wolves ready to maul you to death…

Stiles: *Starts running in some random direction and the wolves take off after him*

Dean: *Panting * I win!

Stefan: I don't think you did…

Katherine: *Hits Dean in the head with her shoe*

Sam: Why did my sexy have to go *pouts*

Dean: You're so pretty when you pout

Damon and Stefan: *Throw up*

Eric: Well he got over that quick…

Katherine: And thats all we have for today so from Stamon Talks

Damon, Eric, and Stefan: HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	6. The Hosts Speak

Part6 – The Hosts Speak

Damon: I am glad you remembered us

Stefan: After all that abuse I wish she'd forget us

Bonnie: Abuse that bastard more

Damon & Rogue: You so want *Damon* me *Rogue* Him

Bonnie: just do your crappy show already before I put a spell on you

Damon: So what made you think of us today?

Rogue: Some people have to work you know shovel shit for fat cat dumb bastards – When do I get to be a fat cat bastard !

Stefan: Why would you want to be like the people you seemingly despise?

Rogue: They have MONEY

Damon: I have money

Stefan: You have money since when?

Damon: Kill people take their possessions sell 'em on eBay

Stefan: *Bangs head on wall* Why did I ever ask?

Katherine: I wish you'd both die

Dean: What's cooking good looking?

Katherine: Your mom – in a pot of 'I don't give a fuck'

Sam: Dean she doesn't want you just come back to me *flashes legs; Damon and Stefan throw up*

Sam: It's the angel bastards fault! *Walks out*

Dean: Castiel! Where?

Katherine: *Facepalms – takes a swig of her wine*

Eric: So who's on our show today?

Damon: YOUR show? Bitch read the name

Stefan: It's Stamon Talks as in Stefan and Damon not Eric Talks

Eric: *Looks at me* Change the name

Rogue: To what?

Eric: Eric's little bitches Talk

Bonnie: It's too long and people like that blue eyed asshole too much.

Damon: I love you too witch.

Dean: They finally did it

Damon: Dream on you incestuous bastard! I have Elena

Stefan: I'm with Rebecca

Rogue: You're both wrong

Sam: *Carrying a shovel*

Dean: Hey where is Cas?

Sam: Let's just say he's feeling under the weather…

Damon: What do you mean we're both wrong?

Rogue: The book series is over bitches, Stefan gets Ele-Bitch and Damon who still loves her decides to move on and be an adventurer

Stefan: *Fist pumps the air* Suck on that you sanctimonious prick!

Damon: You're wrong *grabs my tablet and wikipedia's the VD books* I don't even get Bonnie

Rogue: *Troll face* you get nothing! Serves you right

Eric: Don't worry I'm here for you *Rips of shirt*

Rogue: *Blood shoots out nose and Rogue passes out*

Bonnie: *Fanning Rogue* Eric don't do things like that without warning, the pervy writer might implode and we know how weak Stefan's control is…

Stefan: HEY!

Katherine: It's the truth – what are you doing lying on the floor?

Dean: No panties…

Katherine: *Steps on Dean's face* Pervert.

Damon: Fuck this – I have enough fans to put me in enough fics with happier endings – including you…

Rogue: pffft It's only because I am finishing what I started, when I started that fic you were still badass now you're just a bitch.

Katherine: He's always been a little bitch…

Dean: Can I be your bitch?

Sam: I give up! *Looks at little midget guy* what are you doing tonight?

Trick: Sorry I don't swing that way, I was called for a show but I am enjoying watching the hosts go at it.

Rogue: Hi Trick! Didn't you get the memo we're kinda postponing the lost girl interview

Bonnie: Because someone *whispers - the writer* goes brain dead at the mention of Kenzi

Rogue: But she's so adorable! I would love to keep her as a pet

Bonnie: You do know she's a person

Rogue: But I got her a collar and everything *pouts*

Stefan: There is no end in sight to this torture….. *Shoots himself in the head… lives*

Trick: I did get it but I wanted to check this place out before I bring my granddaughter here…

Damon: I have to ask this question, how do you, being Bo's grandfather, handle the fact she needs to spread her legs to stay alive – being a succubus and all?

Trick: Well I have come to terms with her – requirements…. However, she wouldn't have to screw the entire population if she had one strong fae partner…

Stefan: You mean Dyson

Trick: Shhhhh don't let Bo know – though it doesn't matter Fae live for a long long time, Lauren will grow old and useless or die and my Grand Daughter will see the light…

Katherine: You should be glad she isn't here right now…

Rogue: *Whistles – stares at Eric – nosebleeds – whistles and stares at Bonnie*

Bonnie: What

Rogue: Thinking of how I should do your labour scene….

Bonnie: Why torture me with him! *Points at Damon*

Rogue: *Shrugs* Cause I don't like Elena, heck I'd have paired him with Stefan if I knew he was going to turn into a wuss.

Damon: I will kill you while sleep

Rogue: I'll just have Eric have his way with you while you sleep

Bonnie: Never thought I'd meet someone who disliked him more than me…

Katherine: Really

Bonnie: Except Katherine but I hate her too

Rogue: Hate is such a …. Passionate word….

Trick: I think she secretly likes Damon and hates him because they paired him with Bella clone

Rogue: I will kill you little man

Trick: I must ask how would you have liked VD to end?

Rogue: I wanted Stefan to be with Caroline or Meredith and Damon to be with Bonnie or Rose, it's the publishing company that screwed the books how could they take VD away from Smith and put in a ghost writer, just because those assholes wanted Damon to be forever in love with Ele-bitch. Okay my rant is over.

Damon: So you didn't want me alone

Rogue: *Hit's Damon with a frozen chicken*

Katherine: Do I even want to know where that came from

Stefan: Probably your cold dead heart

Bonnie: I think you 2 have unresolved issues…

Rogue: Speaking of issues Dean what is up with you, you become an emotional wreck when it comes to Sam… I wish they did a time jump like they did in Fringe to show how your kids are now hunters with new more powerful beasts and the 2 of you are in a home for old useless hunters having old people sex – they wouldn't show that part

Everyone: EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Bonnie: I just heaved a little in my mouth….

Katherine: I just got turned on….

Dean: Yes with me you go cold throw my brother in and you start ripping off your clothes. Sam…

Sam: Yes Dean *flutters eyelashes*

Dean: Come have sex with me so Katherine joins

Katherine: *Starts automatically taking off clothes* Yes! another pair of brothers!

Sam: NO

Katherine: *Puts clothes back on*

Rogue: Let's see there was Elijah and Klaus, Damon and Stefan, Tyler's uncle… you sure get around you are lucky vamps don't have aids

Katherine: Damon's done worse, I'm at 5

Rogue: 6 if you count the dude that fathered your child

Katherine: The point is Damon has already screwed Caroline, Elena, that reporter chick, Lexie, that witch whose heart he ripped out, he probably screwed Vicky, Elena's mom – he definitely screwed her, Rose, Rebecca, and the lady with ginger hair whatever her name was, that's 9.5 including me it's 10.5!

Eric: I've had far more… men and women… when you live for a thousand years sex becomes as natural as breathing

Katherine: My hero… *Starts hero worshipping Eric*

Dean: Well I"ve been to Heaven, Hell and Purgatory

Katherine: *Not interested – grabbing Eric's leg*

Dean: Fine I'll sleep with you both!

Eric: Who says we want you… Pam

Pam: Time to prove I'm better that Katherine bitch

Katherine: In your dreams

Rogue: Well that's all I have for today, we will have the cast of Lost Girl next chapter, Trick joins us again with Bo, Dyson, Lauren, Kenzi and Hale. Send through any questions you have J J J

Damon: Special thanks to; the wonderful Vie,

Stefan: Zombie Savior

Sam: and everyone who has subscribed to this plotless perverse writer

Rogue: *Drooling over shot of Eric and Talbot*

Bonnie: Take care everyone; if you can't be good be bad


End file.
